not much but alot

sorrow and joy go hand in hand these days and it's hard to get as angry as should be when i feel good. the salmon and i love the place as i hope oyie does. the gardening (new plants and sprinklers) is getting put in by some really nice guys. (seriously, gotta love the brown man, how much would NOT be done if it wasn't for the thankless, backbreaking labor they do?) They've even been really cool with MY wants even tho i don't own the house, but i get a couple garden plots to work with like vegetables and the such. he even said we could work in the future when he learned that we do shirts and might get some exchange work done.

more joy is the fact that we finally get to see Two Gallants tonight at the el rey. this band is something. you mighta read way back when we happened (luckily) on band of horses and there was a crazy weird buzz in the air when we saw that band, but since and without prior witness oyie found two gallants and the more i listen, the more i get the vibe i do with elliott smith. not the same morose sound but the "listen to it more and more, and it gets better with each listen" feel. They're a gutwrentchingly sweet band. a dj from kxep seattle said it made her want to dance and cry at the same time. i said it was like a punch in the stomach that you want to happen again and again. the you tube videos of their live shows lend even more to the fact that there is just something about this duo that you gotta feel deep inside. yeah i know, i'm sappy, but thats the level i feel music on.

now onto the pain...last night i sat and lost all internet connectivity. the wireless network just quit and could have been due to the fact my pod died and i was reinstalling all the music from the salmons lappie cause it's faster but it all just took a shit. i started from scratch and ended up on a 4 hour techie trip that made victim of a bottle of white wine. this isn't the real pain but this IS where i get cryptic. Sometimes, i want to "go oyie" on people. Shun them, berate and belittle them [verbally] to extent that it takes them to the darkest places of their psyche (trust me, i'm capable of wrecking a person psychologically). However, i know i can't do that and i'm not as violent as i was in my punk rock youth but this twangs that string that still resides in me. to the point of punching that person square in the maw, no matter their gender, size, or disposition. it's deserved. it's probably more of a helplessness in me than anything, but the rage is there hidden under remorse and near despair.

it's hard to control the rage and the joy, but then again, i'm a gemini and not typical in the sense that i have extreme moods often. i usually just retreat to my introspective side and get extremely quiet and disconnect from my friends and loved ones, but it's almost like it was way back when and i'd used cocaine in my violent youth. it amplified my feelings. the near loss of control and sheer possibility of what i could do if i let it, but the feeling that some of it felt great. This all coupled with me hating the drug for the most part. i'm more of a pot guy than anything and that mellowness really equals me out often. So yeah, weird as all this post is, counfounding even to most of the few, but a handful know what i'm talking about.